Asexual Perspective: The Promise of Purity or Something Like It
“I think the greatest respect and admiration is for a woman who is unashamedly herself.”
Virginity is a touchy subject. It’s a personal subject. People’s feelings about virginity vary, as it depends on their religious beliefs, their experiences, and how they handle pressure. Why pressure? Because one of the most peer-pressured decisions a person can make is whether to maintain their virginity until a certain point in their life or to lose it as quickly as possible.
Asexuals, like me, don’t feel any, if at all, sexual attraction to any gender. Many of us hold on to our virginity because we never had the urge to have sex. Others might have had sex, though the act itself probably wasn’t something they were the most fond of.
There are asexual individuals in relationships who actively engage in sexual activities with their partners. Angela Chen, author of Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, admits that she enjoys sex but never could understand the lack of attraction to her partners. She writes early in the book,
“I misinterpreted ‘a person who does not experience sexual attraction’ to mean ‘a person who hates sex.’”
This means that the partners asexuals seek might be different than traditional standards. In her book, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality, Julie Sondra Decker writes,
“Partner-seeking asexual folks want to find partners who complement them, and finding partners with the right traits and common interests is sometimes more important to them than compatibility in the bedroom.”
Sex itself can be a lucrative conversation starter, made all the more popular by the HBO series Sex & the City. While groups of friends freely discuss their sexual experiences, some social circles, particularly religious ones, view sex as sacred and believe it should only take place in private.
Join the community today ↓ to get blogs, news, and announcements delivered right to your inbox!In October 2018, Hulu launched its anthology series of monthly horror films, Into the Dark, where each movie coincided with the month’s holiday. They started with Halloween and ended their first calendar year with Pure.
Released on September 6, 2019, this film centers on Father/Daughter Day. Though the holiday is technically celebrated on the second Sunday of October, the movie was a strong conclusion to the first season of less-than-thrilling films.
Pure follows Shay (Jahkara Smith), who attends an annual purity retreat with her father, Kyle (Jim Klock), and half-sister, Jo (McKaley Miller). Shay moves in with them following the recent death of her mother. The weekend retreat is run by the seemingly charming Pastor Seth (Scott Porter) and it’s meant to help bond the newly blended family.
On their first night, Jo and her cabin mates invite Shay to participate in a ritual where they attempt to summon Lilith. In Biblical lore, Lilith was the first woman before Eve. Made from clay rather than Adam’s rib, Lilith had far more free will and left Adam, which angered God. He banished her to Hell, where she transformed into a demon. Jo loves the story of Lilith, as it tells the story of a woman not ashamed to be her true self. But it’s clear Pastor Seth and all the fathers in attendance do not want their daughters to “walk the path of Lilith.”
Shay, Jo, and their friends perform the ritual, and nothing happens. But soon Shay has visions of the red-haired demon. She also feels this retreat is not what it seems. Girls go missing for a few days, only to come back looking horrified and subdued. Crucifixes fall off walls and Pastor Seth vomits black gunk.
In the end, the girls realize Lilith has returned because Shay is not a virgin, as she earlier proclaims. When it comes time to sign the purity contract on the final night of the retreat, she’s unable to do it and tells Kyle the truth. Kyle loses his shit, slut-shames Shay’s mother and herself, and locks her in a cage. Jo—who figures out Lilith is present—tells Shay to let her in because she “has work to do.”
The film culminates with Shay allowing Lilith to possess her and kill all the men in attendance. “One man’s demon is another woman’s angel,” Lilith speaks through Shay before delivering the death blow. The last shot of the movie is a powerful image. All the daughters, dressed in white, are shown leaving the retreat. Their expressions convey a clear message: they have finally liberated themselves from the burden of perfection and purity.
The film is a profound look at archaic purity promises and how they believe it’s the girls we need to monitor the closest. Jo even asks Pastor Seth in one scene if boys should strive for the same purity as girls. Boys are not required to sign contracts or make promises, unlike girls. What is Pastor Seth's response to this? It’s easier for boys to walk the path of purity. 😒
Why are girls considered the weaker gender? What makes us more susceptible to sin than boys? If you’re religious, you know the most popular theory is the story of Eve. All it took was one woman to stray for all of us to be saddled with the term “weak.”
But what about those of us who aren’t religious? I don’t follow any particular religion. I’m also asexual and a virgin. I don’t associate these identifiers with religious standards, yet people often ask asexuals who haven’t had sex, “Are you celibate? Are you waiting for marriage?”
I’m a virgin because I don’t feel sexual attraction. I’m a virgin because I haven’t had sex. Could I have sex? Of course. Celibacy and abstinence are choices. These choices involve refraining from sexual activity. Asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction.
When people can understand the difference between those, they’ll better understand asexuals and the misconceptions about virginity, sex, and religion.
There’s a 2014 article written by Richa Sharma called “Why is virginity so important in spirituality?” In it, the author explores the various views of virginity through several historical contexts. In the piece, she writes,
“Throughout history, the virgin has always been on a pedestal. In ancient Greek lore, there are many tales that tell of sacrificing a virgin to appease the Gods anger.”
She goes on to explain that several religions greatly valued virgins. Virgin brides were the ultimate wedding gift because no one else had touched them. The husband held a sense of power and pride, having been the only person to bed her. This illustrates the persistent view of women as possessions rather than individuals.
Pure takes this idea and runs with it. For instance, a girl at the retreat reports her daily calorie intake to her father, and Pastor Seth's daughter is rigidity personified. It expresses how emotionally battered these women are in their never-ending quest to please not only their heavenly Father but their earthly fathers as well.
But virginity also meant power. As Sharma notes, “There was a point when virgins were actually seen as powerful and virginity signified female independence and autonomy more than sexual abstinence.”
She later concludes,
“It’s high time to do away with outdated and dangerous notions of virginity. If young women’s only ethical gauge is based on whether they’re chaste, we’re ensuring that they will continue to define themselves by their sexuality.”
Consider the way people talked about Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus as they were evolving in their careers. Both started in the industry at a young age and were saddled with the label “good girl.” But artists grow; they mature. They want to experiment with look and sound.
Taylor Swift shed her country girl-next-door look for a more pop-star persona, though her wardrobe and concert outfits were still tasteful. Over the course of a few months, she had been in relationships with several men, none of which worked out for long. And most of these breakups resulted in hit songs for her.
Miley Cyrus’s trajectory wasn’t much different. She wanted to shed her innocent Hannah Montana role and embrace her maturity. She did this by dressing more provocatively and acting more sexually on stage. Romantically, she had a broken engagement, a marriage turned divorce, and lovers of all genders. Yet tabloids deemed her “out of control.”
It amazed me when I heard people continue to call Taylor “sweet” and Miley “whorish.” The only difference in their trajectories is the way they behaved and how the tabloids exploited those behaviors. Taylor was still the "good girl" because she wasn’t parading around in cut-off shorts and see-through tops. On the other hand, parents feared for their kids who used to watch Hannah Montana because Miley was, for lack of a better word, acting like a skank.
The story of Pure and these two singers both underscore the significance of regulating women's behavior. Without control, they will destroy their reputations, their bodies, and their purity. It’s not a woman’s responsibility to maintain her image for the pleasure of those watching. Similarly, an asexual should not constantly remind you that a person's sexual experiences do not define them.
I will not apologize for my behavior. I will not apologize for being an unwed, childless, thirty-eight-year-old virgin. I will not apologize for being me. My virginity, my “purity,” is not for you to criticize or control.
This horrific notion of controlling women’s minds and bodies hasn’t gone away. It’s happening as much today as it was centuries ago. That, to me, is scarier than telling people I’m a virgin.
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